My friend on Facebook the other day commented on a really old photo of her when she was 18. She wrote, “Look how hot my legs were! I can’t believe I thought I was fat!” I could so completely relate to what she was saying. I’ve been up and down with my weight for so long. I’m either losing it or gaining it. When I come across an old picture of myself at a smaller size, I always ask, “Why weren’t you happy then? You were so slim.” If I’m completely honest with myself, I don’t think I’ve been truly happy with myself or my body at any stage in my life. That is pretty sad for a 31 year old to admit!!! So many women think that they will be happy when they reach a certain size and I was one of them.
“When I weigh under 70kgs, I’ll go paddle boarding.”
“When I lose another 5kgs I’ll buy myself something nice.”
“Guys will start liking me once I get to my goal weight.”
Those are just a few of the hundreds of ridiculous things I’d constantly say to myself to tell myself happiness was only in the future for me. Why do females do this to themselves? Whilst I made these rules, my friends were out having fun paddle boarding, I was not treating myself to new things and guys who may have been around were not on my radar as I believed I didn’t deserve anyone.
I’m not putting the pause button on happiness anymore.
I woke up to myself after attending a workshop earlier this year (I Am Loveable) that helped me realise how silly I was being. There are women out there at my ideal weight with killer bodies who hate themselves. Is that where I want to be? No. I’ve learned by choosing to be happy now, you learn to live in the moment, appreciate what you have and see pleasure in simple things. It is a process. You don’t become happy overnight. It is something I am constantly working on. I am not happy yet, but I’m a lot happier that I was.
The title for this post (my first ever post!) comes from a song by Bon Jovi. Here are the rest of the lyrics from the chorus:
Can I be happy now
Can I let my breath out
Let me believe
I’m building a dream
Don’t try to drag me down
I just want to scream out loud
Can I be happy now
Been down on my knees
I learned how to bleed
I’m turnin my world around
I cannot even begin to express how these words resonate with this stage in my life. I hope they resonate with you too.
PS – I went paddle boarding for the first time in my life last weekend!